this is not where i belong

“This week has seemed like a month, and today was more than a full week!” is what I told my friend yesterday. So much has happened this week. Not in a running around, knocking everything off your to-do list kind of week, but an eye-opening, challenging, bring-you-to-your knees, didn’t-know-I-was-ready-for-that-God kind of week. It wasn’t even major events-although a couple were- it was more of situations that are just hard and need deep love, forgiveness, compassion and prayer.

By 4:30 Friday afternoon, I couldn’t think, talk or pray. I had no words just a broken heart and flowing tears. So I decided to put on my tennis-shoes, put in my headphones and go run. About 30 minutes later, I ended up in the cemetery. I found a tree where I could watch the golden rays of the setting-sun cover the mountains. I still had no words. So I just sat.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. Romans 8:26-27 

See. I told you Romans 8 was speaking to me this week… I switched playlists and ended up with Where I Belong by Building 429. Listen along HERE.

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside

Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive

I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me

And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea

I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You

When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

[x2]

Where I belong, where I belong

Where I belong, where I belong

I finally could put into words what my heart was aching for… Heaven. Where we are free. Free from hurt. Free from pain. Free from guilt. Free from addictions. Free from physical limitations. Free from heartache. All I know is I’m not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong! More of Him is what we need. More Jesus in every part of our daily lives and in us. He is the part of this world that is not messed up.

Please join me in prayer…

-For the church in Jinogeta and it’s leaders

-Friends struggling with addiction

-Brothers and sisters who feel hurt and rejected

-For my family (especially my grandmother) as we adjust to a new normal without Aunt Pat

-God’s peace to be tangible

-A spirit of forgiveness

-Wisdom as we all try to serve our Father the best we can

Tengo Esperanza

There are lots of changes that occur in a day especially down here. Your “plan” for the day, the weather at the drop of a hat, the electricity being on, the water working, a restaurant not having half the items on the menu, or people moving… tons of opportunities for a change of plans. Well Monday morning after devo, my plan was to continue with online Spanish lessons, catch up with Alberto to see what was on his plate for the week, and sort Bible class materials. With one short phone call, all of that changed…

Me, Helen (Dad's Mom) and Aunt Pat (Helen's sister)
on the best porch swing in the world!

"To live is Christ. To die is gain." Philippians 1:21 

Aunt Pat lived to serve her Savior, and today, heaven gained a beautiful angel. Please be praying for our family as we go through this week. We do not grieve without hope, for HE has RISEN, but we still grieve.

I found Sheila, oh what a dear friend she is so quickly becoming, told her what happened. She hugged me and spoke sweet truth. I told her I was going to make a couple phone calls then just sit and cry. Thankfully we had power and internet to call back to the states! The next hour was spent sitting on the floor, reading Philippians, listening to music, praying to our Father and letting the tears flow.

I thank my God every time I remember you. (1:3) To live is Christ. To die is gain. (1:21) Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. (1:27) Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, (2:3) Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky (2:14-15) we who serve God by his Spirit, who boast in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh (3:3) I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death (3:10) but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me (3:12) But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. (3:20-21) Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus. (4:4-7) 

And just like that there was a peace. Not a happy-go-lucky giddiness. Not a cover-up-my-turmoil smile. Not take-all-hurt-away feeling. But a peace that let me breath. A peace that let me genuinely smile. A peace that let me know I was fifteen hundred miles away ,and it was okay. What a mighty God we serve! He is SO good. He spoke it; Paul wrote it; and it was proven true. His peace will guard our hearts and minds.

The last two days have seemed like a week. Long days filled with different plans (most of which change quickly) and all emotions but thankfully the peace has stayed. Even through power outtages and dropped phone calls God has provided what I needed to keep going. That includes time for a long nap yestserday- He knows me well. He continues to provide me because He is faithful and consistent. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever! (Hebrews 13:8) 

Aunt Pat will be buried in Lynchburg this morning. While I would love to be there holding my family, I trust they are being comforted all over the states just as I am here in Jinotega. One of my favorite places in this city is the cemetery. It is colorful and alive and full of Jesus. It fills me with hope. It is a quite and peaceful place but not in a gloomy way. So I chose a grave site to be Aunt Pat’s in my cemetery. It’s kind of a strange thing to do, adopt someone else’ site, but I feel like anyone grieving understands when you need a place to retreat to…

I grew up listening to AVB and Acapella. Since last night, I’ve been singing this song, Tengo Esperanza, and actually meaning it. This group is a mix of men from both of those groups singing in Spanish… Love it! You can listen to the whole song HERE!

Tengo esperanza (I have hope)

Aquí en mi alma (Here in my soul)

Hoy tengo gozo (Today I have joy)

En mi corazón (In my heart) 

I’ll leave you with some more truth from our Father via Paul… all of Romans 8 speaks perfectly to my soul this week but these verses caught me yesterday.

 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:14-17

Jose Chabelo

Jose is a husband, father of four, and a hard working servant of God. During the week he works at the mission, and on the weekends he sells Eskimo (ice cream) from a push cart around town. He’s one of these guys that’s the first one to arrive and last to leave. He almost always has a smile on his face. He greets you every time he sees you. Even if it’s only been a minute.  While this practice is fairly common in Nicaragua, it is fully ingrained in Jose. His joy, determination and strong work ethic make him a pleasure to be around on and off the clock.

One Saturday a couple weeks ago, Lilly and I had Jose’s family over for lunch. We made soup and brownies and were looking forward to letting this hard working family relax. In normal Nicaraguan fashion, they arrived about 45 minutes late. But that’s explainable when you know they live close to the edge of town so it was a hike for them to come to us. Jose was full of questions and comments keeping the conversation going through lunch and after. His bubbling personality came out even more than we've seen a the mission. The kids also enjoyed themselves reading a book to their dad and playing Monopoly. We all moved into the living room and Jose found the remote to the television. He knew it turned on the TV, but he didn’t know how to work it. Can you pause and take that in for a moment?! He's seen TVs and remotes. Just like in the states the power button is on the top row, normally a different color. But he's not operated one enough to know how they work. After we showed him, he sat, flipped the channel a couple times then just enjoyed the entertainment. I think it was wrestling. HA. Jose rested his head on the back of the seat and smiled. Seeing him so peaceful while his wife was relaxing, his youngest girl was sleeping and the other kids were playing a new game... Oh! It was such a wonderful sight!

 

Defiantly one of my favorite pictures.

They came late. Stayed a lot later than we thought they would. But I would not have wanted it any other way!

The Misión has been given a special opportunity to honor one of the employees each month. Kinda like an employee of the month thing. With a slightly different approach. We’re taking a characteristics a month and letting the Nicaraguans nominate who they think embodies that action. The first month was February and the characteristic was encouragement. Yesica, the head accountant, was our encourager. March was responsibility. Someone who is responsible with their job but also the way they conduct themselves outside of work. Are they being responsible to our Heavenly Father. I was so excited when the nominations were turned in and JOSE won! They are rewarded with a basket full of food, kitchen and household items. Everyone cheered for him and made him stand in the middle of the room while he received his basket. 

This was just one of his two overflowing baskets!

I have come to LOVE the last Friday of the month :) We'll get to do it again a week from today!

Full Friday

Last Friday was one of those days that was just exciting for me. I was like a giddy 12 year old all day. There was no epic event just lots of little moments that added up to wonderful for me. If you’re interested, here’s the day…

I started with a short workout in the morning. Then read, had breakfast and got ready for the day. Went to the mission and had a 7:00 am Spanish lesson. I’ve started working with another teacher online about 2 weeks ago. This lesson was the first one I finished without crying. That was a victory! We had our morning devo with all the workers at 8:00 am. (I love our devotional time because it’s the only time the whole staff is together through the day. We greet everyone daily. It just makes me happy!) 

Friday means OCM training. Sheila and I try to present one new idea each week. This week we were talking about “time-out” and puzzles. A few people donated these cool Elmo books with puzzles, but we’ve struggled to find ways to share these books and keep the pieces together. So I cut the books to make 50 individual puzzles. At least 3 times a week, I can be found sitting on the floor finishing my projects. Sorting books or testing markers or today, cutting books! Benny always gives me a hard time for being on the floor. He reminds me we have plenty of tables and chairs. And I remind him I just like the floor. While I was cutting, two of the teachers from the special school came by to get materials for their class. I love being able to pack boxes for them that they can take that day. It’s one of the easiest things I can help Alberto with because he has quite a few other responsibilities and can’t sit in the bodega each day. We give the teachers supplies for themselves and for the students- notebooks, pencils, construction paper, geometry kits, glue, markers, crayons, erasers, scissors… Also. Before Alberto left for the day, he gave me a key to the bodega. Having a key to the room I normally work in makes life so much easier! I don’t have find people with a key or find someone to watch the office. 

Bodega just means storage room/warehouse. The school bodega doubles
as Alberto's office and my place to work on projects.
The bottom right are the shelves I'm most proud of.

Circle Time- before I got put in timeout :)

Training went very well with the mentors. However, I didn’t behave nicely and was put in timeout quite a few times. After a quick PB&J with Cremas (my favorite Nicaraguan cookie), I ventured out to the grocery store and market for our dinner. It was a successful trip because I ordered meat in Spanish and actually got what I wanted! 

The afternoon was spent meeting with Lilly, Sheila and Donna. We were reviewing intern orientation information and ended up covering quite a few other things as well. While meetings aren’t always tons of fun, today being able to get on the same page and understand what everyone was expecting for the summer was really nice. We laughed a lot and even got to play with Lucas during the meeting.

After work, Lilly and I began preparing dinner. The Garcia family was joining us for tacos and ice cream! Jubelky, her sister, brother and cousin really liked the tacos! We talked, sang and again, laughed a lot! They are such a fun family! Their dad is waiting to have back surgery in the next couple weeks. Please be praying for them as he and his wife will be a few hours away from their children during surgery and recovery.

The Garcia Clan

Jubelky and I (photo credit to Lilly) 

I realize that’s a lot of information about one day, but it was one of my favorite days. Especially in the small moments, I felt useful. That is a feeling I am very grateful for. Happy Saturday! Praying you have a day where you go to bed feeling full. Full of laughter. Full of learning. Full of God’s spirit.